Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
