Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
