Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
