Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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