Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I forget how to act sober
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