miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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