I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
