girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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