your parents love me but you hate me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
