Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
