Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
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You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize