Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
