Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
