On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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