wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
