I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
