Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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