Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
