They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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