Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
