I haven't been this sober since birth.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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