It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
