I wish I could punch you in the face.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
