mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
