this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
