Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
