Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
