I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
