she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
