I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
