you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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