Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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