i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
