A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
