no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
