So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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