I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
