I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
