Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
