I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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