My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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