yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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