I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
