I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
