a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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