Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
