the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
