my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
