I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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