I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
