I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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