"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
