Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
