can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
