I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
